he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
