Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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