So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
