I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
