I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
