Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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