Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
