i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
