I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
