Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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