how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
