Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
