Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
