my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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