morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
