Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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