when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
