Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize
