meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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