i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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