why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
