My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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