just come out here and I will go home with you...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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