I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
