We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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