I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
