i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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