Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
