Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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