I wish life had little blips of pornography
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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