dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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