I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
