After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
