Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize