Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
