Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
