I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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