We got so high we made milksteak
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
