No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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