The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Every concussion has its silver lining
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
