Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
