I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
