He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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