You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
