im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
