No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
