Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
