Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
