were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i think my cat just said my name.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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