I like to think it a success when the cops are called
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
