I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And then he peed in my hair
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