You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
