I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
