The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
