Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
