i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
