totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
