it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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