Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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